Tuesday, June 17, 2014

I Love You Just the Way You Are

It's taken me several tries to get this post down - partly because it's pretty deep and it's been awhile since I've shared such raw feelings on the blog.  And partly because it meant a lot to me to share this with you and I wanted it to be perfect.  Me?  A perfectionist??  I know you're shocked.

See, there's this problem I have.

I am slightly obsessed with my weight.

This probably isn't much of a surprise to most of you either, since I mention it on the blog pretty regularly.  Despite the running and regular workouts, I have been steadily gaining weight since January.

I realize that some of this weight gain is due to muscle - since muscle weighs more than fat.  But I weighed myself this weekend and found myself weighing almost 10lb more than I did when Mr. Smith Summary and I got married 10 years ago.

See this girl?  I weigh more than her now.

And I shared my thoughts on how upset that made me with Mr. Smith Summary and you know what he told me??

I love you just the way you are.

And it got me to thinking - why don't I love me just the way that I am??  Why is the number on the scale SO freakin' important to me??

I mean, I even joined my pal Patty's DietBet in hopes that the thought of losing $10 would make me not eat everything in sight.  So far though, I don't think it's working.  And yet despite hurting my hip over the weekend (whole other topic y'all, I'll fill you all in when I have more details) I got on my scale this morning in hopes that seeing the number there would persuade me to run anyways, even though I knew I shouldn't.

Yup, my obsession with "a number" is that bad.  It's pretty unhealthy actually.

And that's when it hit me - that number doesn't define my health.

I'd like to think that I'm in pretty good shape.  I ran 9 miles on Saturday and could have kept on going.  I can play outside with my kids and keep up with them.  I have had a physical and got a clean bill of health from my doctor.  Sure, the number on my scale is higher than I'd like it to be - but it doesn't mean I'm unhealthy.  I'm sure there are a LOT more people out there who would love to be in my shoes.  Sure, my abs aren't as flat as they used to be and I might have a harder time fitting into my capris than I did this time last year, but with a little hard work, they WILL fit again.  And it won't matter what the number on the scale says - because the devil is in the details - or rather, the blue jean capris that I'd like to wear without sporting a muffin top ;)

Does this mean I'm not going to ever get back on that scale?  No.  But does it mean I will take less stock in what the number says?  Yes.  After all, I don't want to lose my $10 ;)  And does this mean that I will stop looking at people thinner than myself and wishing I could be more like them?  Absolutely.  It's time to start loving myself the way that I am - and I'm going to take it one step at a time.

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