Monday, August 15, 2011

The Post Meant for last Wednesday

I had this post ready to go for last Wednesday and then changed my mind about posting it.  But then I thought about it more and decided I need to discuss what was on my heart, and this was on my heart last Wednesday and if it's one thing I've learned about talking about my problems - it usually helps someone else.

So here it goes.

Last Wednesday was the one year anniversary from the day we lost Lil' Bean.  I woke up immediately remembering this solemn anniversary and was surprised to find that Owen did also.  I tried not to dwell on it - after all, we have so much to be thankful for right now and I hate to seem ungrateful, but it's hard not to think about the little ones that should be with us that aren't.

And it got me to thinking about how much we had been through in the past year - losing Lil' Bean, getting pregnant with June and losing her also, going through the testing only to find out the same thing could happen AGAIN, then giving it to God and getting pregnant with Morgan...that's a LOT.  I am grateful for everyone's thoughts and prayers over the past year, and especially to my wonderful family for helping me keep it together during the really hard times.

I had flashbacks to that day ALL day on Wednesday - I still vividly recall many of the details - except for work.  I know I worked that morning but I honestly don't know if I did anything productive.  I recall the pain - emotional and physical.  And so of course I worried with each little pain I got and have gotten in the days since, even though I KNOW these pains are normal and I can feel Miss Morgan wiggling around in here and I know she's just fine.  It's irrational, but I can't help it.  Owen says we are "battle scarred", and for lack of better terminology, I have to agree with him.

Sorry to be such a downer with this post - I am angry with myself for not being true to my feelings and worrying about what others would think by posting this.  So even though it's late, here it is.  I promise to post something more happy later on this week - perhaps a 28 week update WITH a belly pic :)