Thursday, March 24, 2011

Spiritual Moment

I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have asked myself since the two miscarriages why - why us?  Why is this happening to us?  Why would God not allow us to keep the child we so desparately wanted?  I'll be honest and say at some points I feel my faith was really tested; I was angry, and hurt, and didn't understand.  And I won't say that God's plan is all crystal clear to me today, but...I think He's begun to shed some light on why He's lead us down the path that He has.

I received a message from Jane last night (at least, I'm calling her Jane in this post to protect her privacy), she just recently found out she was pregnant but was told by her doctor that due to her decreasing hcg levels that this likely isn't going to be a viable pregnancy.  She will be meeting with her doctor today to discuss her options.

I immediately feel crushed for her.  Because I've been there.  To find out there's a tiny life growing inside you and to find out not long after that this tiny life is no longer...it's just heartbreaking.  Even so early on, you have plans and dreams and hopes for your unborn child, and now you will never see them to fruition.  She, of course, is hurt, angry, sad...the whole ball of emotions that comes with losing an unborn child.  And I cried for her last night because I hate to see someone else have to go through all of that.

And as I'm typing out my reply to her, I suddenly felt different - and I didn't hear His voice speak to me, but I know at that moment, as I was typing, that God was telling me - Kristen, THIS is why I took you down the path I did.  Because I needed someone on Earth to be there to support Jane and I knew you'd be the best one to do it.  I can't even fully describe the feeling I felt when this happened - I felt at peace, in a way, for finally understanding what God has in store for me, and honored, because I feel He has chosen me for a special mission.  That even though I had to endure the pain and suffering, ultimately, this was why I had to go through it - so that I could be there to help someone else.

I realize this is a very heavy post, and I'm not one to talk about my spiritual side all that often, but when I woke up this morning, I felt compelled to share this story.  Especially since we are quickly approaching Lil' Bean's due date, which is next Wednesday.  I'm still not really sure how I am going to feel that day, but I made the decision this morning that I would be honoring my sweet little baby by sponsoring a care package for Jane from CrossHeart Ministries, since someone did that for me, and I remember how much that care package meant to me.  ***CrossHeart Ministries is a Non-Profit 501(c)(3) tax deductible organization dependent solely on volunteer work and monetary donations. Thanks to the generosity of our donors CrossHeart Ministries is able to provide care for grieving mothers and families through Care Packages, GriefShare and support functions.  Click here if you would like to make a donation.***