Saturday, January 29, 2011

Something Special

Today my topic is courtesy of Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope and their monthly writing challenge:  Write about something special a friend, family member, or other loved one did for you after your baby(ies) died that really touched your heart.

Wow - that's a really tough topic.  I don't know if I could name just one nice thing that someone did, because many of you did nice things for me.  You called me, left me messages on Facebook, sent me emails, brought me my favorite treats, let me cry it out and handed me tissues...and all of it was greatly appreciated.  And even though you all did something different, the one common thread to all of them was the acknowledgement of my loss.

Miscarriage is such a taboo thing in today's society.  Before my two losses I'd never known that some of my closest friends had lost an unborn child.  It's definitely nothing to be ashamed of; we did nothing to cause the deaths of our children.  But for some reason, it's just not something a lot of people like to talk about.  Maybe, in part, because most people don't know how to react to someone that's suffered the loss of a child and you don't want to make people uncomfortable by telling them about your story and them not knowing what to say:

This...NOT really appropriate

As you can see, I don't mind talking about it; as a matter of fact, talking about the two babies I have lost brings more validation to their existence, which is one thing that any mother that has lost an unborn child wants more than anything.

Just because my children were never born, does not mean they did not exist.  And nothing could possibly hurt me worse than if you act like they didn't.  I know it's probably difficult for people because one day I was pregnant...the next day, I wasn't.  But I WAS pregnant and just because my children didn't make it into this world, we had plans and hopes and dreams for them and they were loved.  So please don't act as if they never WERE, because they were.

God chose ME out of all the women on this earth to be Mommy to these babies; and even though I will never get to hold them, I am still blessed every day by their existence and by their big sister, Samantha.

I found this Affirmation After Miscarriage online, and I think it does the best job of summarizing how I feel about my two angel babies:

A MOTHER’S PRAYER: Affirmation After Miscarriage
In this time of loss I call upon my spirit within to guide me to my strength so that I may find peace and completion.
I will use this strength to demand of myself and others my need to grieve completely, for this will be my first step to healing.
During my time of grief I will seek guidance not only from my inner spirit but from loving persons who may offer wisdom and comfort.
I need to understand that the soul as well as the physical body needs healing and to pay attention to this. I will learn to accept that the soul may never heal completely.
I will learn to live not in fear and once again see beauty in my world and purpose in my existence.
In spite of my new knowledge that things happen that cannot be controlled, I must call upon the places within me that tell me I do have control over much of my life and use this control to aid my healing.
Let me recognize the gift in my ability to conceive and carry life however briefly.
Let me take joy in my ability to love so deeply and desire to nurture a soul unbeknownst to me.
Let me find healing in the belief that this soul knew my love for it and that that love helped it to pass to another place.
Let me honor this short life not only with my love but in finding meaning in its existence.
Let me recognize this meaning in not only my ability to survive, but in my fullest appreciation of all the moments motherhood will bring me, along with my deeper compassion and sisterhood to other women who’ve experienced loss.
Let a part of this soul be reflected in the spirit of my future children, born or adopted, so that I may know it through them.
I will listen to and trust the place in my deepest heart that tells me I will once again be reunited with this soul and will fulfill the need to hold it in my arms.
I will help myself to feel comfort in the knowledge that there is a star in heaven that belongs to me.
by Stacey Dinner-Levin


  1. Love it! A great topic, one I may borrow soon for my blog, so don't be surprised! LOL! I love the affirmation, too. SO thankful to have friends to talk about all of this loss so openly with! :)

  2. I have that affirmation on my blog as well. It helped me when I mc'd last summer.

    I, too, find comfort in talking about it. I could never be someone who never shares about my loss--I think that just makes it even more taboo. I'll always be so sorry for *your* losses.

    Always thinking of you, B